5 Ways Relationships Get Derailed

Safety and trust in relationships go hand-in-hand; safety lays the foundation for trust, trust over time morphs into safety. Have safety and trust and you relax and lean into the relationship. You’re not afraid to say what is on your mind, to talk about what bothers you. This is intimacy in action. Without them you pull back, shut down, walk on eggshells, get angry.

But even in good relationships trust and safety can be fragile things and can easily get derailed. Sometimes by unexplained or unexpected behavior. Affairs come to mind. Trust is suddenly shattered and though the hurtful conversations after often center on the details of sex outside the relationship, the real problem is less about sex and more about understanding how your partner did what you always thought he would never do.

Other times safety is shaken by sudden changes in emotions – the out-of-the-blue explosive alcohol-induced rant that shakes you to your bones, or flares of real mentalhealth issues, such as mania, where your partner is no longer herself and goes on and on about seeing God.

Incidents like these can be devastating but for most of us, fortunately, not very common. In everyday life, the derailing of safety is usually much more subtle, not with the big but the small. Here are the usual culprits:

Criticism. You should have called your brother sooner, you shouldn’t leave your clothes on the floor, you put too much salt in the stew, you can’t leave your shoes by the front door. It’s about shoulds and rules and doing something wrong even if you felt your effort was good, your intent noble. The scolding mother or father wagging the finger, the seeing the negative rather than anything positive. Under these conditions, you begin to feel like a 10 year old, and you automatically react like a 10 year old -- you walk on eggshells, withdraw, get angry.

Safety goes away because you can’t trust that your partner is in your corner, that whatever you do isn't good enough.

Anger. Criticism ramped up – the raw emotion and feeling literally scolded and emotionally abused, and in more extreme forms, physically abused.

Safety. There is none. Survival, ducking and weaving, trying to stay out of trouble.

Micromanaged. Feels like criticism at times when there is an angry edge, but more often micromanaging is about hovering, suffocation: Here’s what I would suggest, why don’t you try this, what I would say is this. Advice not asked for, suggestions not wanted. You feel controlled, maybe again like the 10 year old. Men, in particular have a difficult time with this.

Safety goes away because you feel like you are not seen as a capable adult, that you are not heard, that anything you say only sets off another round of advice.

Lack of appreciation. Close cousin to criticism, but the hard edge is replaced by absence. The big fancy dinner that you slave over isn’t criticized as much as ignored. Your efforts go unnoticed or  the quick feedback is "not bad". You constantly do a lot and not much comes back to you in terms of compliments or gratitude.

Safety goes away because you begin to feel invisible, that what you do doesn’t matter, and over time you don’t matter. This is less about feeling afraid and more about a lack of a meaningfulness; there is nothing to motivate you to give your best to the relationship.

Neglected. Another cousin to the others but feels different: It's not only that your partner  doesn’t notice, but pulls back. There is not that strong wall of anger and disapproval, but there is a wall nonetheless, and your partner doesn't care. The huff, the days of silence, the isolation and loneliness. Just as men can be sensitive to micromanagement, many women are sensitive to neglect.

Safety goes away because there is no connection to sustain you, the relationship isn't important. You fear that speaking up will only create more isolation and neglect.

All of these, of course, are in the eyes of beholder and are usually tied to childhoodwounds (see my previous article on Why You Tolerate What You Hate…). If one does speak up it's easy for the conversaation to turn to defensiveness or into an argument about whose reality is right – I’m not critical, I’m only trying to be helpful; I’m not micromanaging but making suggestions that might be helpful because I worry or care; I’m not angry, I'm just passionate, if I talk above a whisper you hear it as anger; I’m not unappreciative, you never hear my compliments, you’re too needy; I’m not neglecting you, I’m preoccupied with important things, you are too dependent and too sensitive.

These go nowhere. If you care about your partner you don’t defend yourself and argue back over whose reality is right, but instead together try and fix the problem. You would want him or her to do the same to you.